The Food Boner

My own recipes, old, new, and remixed -- served with sarcasm and mild synesthesia.

Broiled Artichokes with Poached Eggs, Shoestring Onions and Crumbled Bacon. (Burnt Orange)
Cost per plate: appx. $2 when made with organic/freerange ingredients
***
While colliding with the countless aimlessly rolling red carts brimming with screaming children at Trader Joe’s last week, I did that thing where I saw something super tasty-looking, and was all “Ohmygad Artichokes!  I’m totally gonna eat these tonight tomorrow monday Yeahman!!”  And then they sat on my counter for four days — until this morning, when I shuffled into the kitchen to make some instant oatmeal, and saw that the pretty little spiny flowers had begun to wither. If I don’t eat these, like, nowish — I’ll be out $2.69.  Time for a Poach.
***
1. Artichokes are lovely when steamed, but lovelier when broiled or grilled.  To do this correctly, you have to steam them first.  If you don’t, they take forever to cook, and they taste like ass.  I sliced the stems and the very tips off of the ‘chokers, threw them in a steamer pot with about an inch of water, covered it, and let them cook on medium-low heat for about a half an hour, or until the leaves pulled off easily when tugged.
***
2. Once they were cooked, I pulled them out with potholders, cut them lengthwise with a super sharp knife, dug out the nasty thistly parts, and put them cut-side-up in a baking dish with a bunchload of olive oil, crushed garlic, and balsamic (it helps if you brush all surfaces of the artichokes with this mixture). 
***
3. The onions can be done in a pan, but I was lazy and hungry this morning, so I just sliced them super thin, separated the rings, coated them with the olive oil mixture, and tossed them over the artichokes. 
***
4. If your bacon is raw (pronounced roo-wah), cook it first.  If it’s pre-cooked, just cut it up and sprinkle it on top of the onions.  
***
5. THEN THROW THAT SHIZZ IN THE BROILER and let it begin its radness transformation. Broil for about 10 - 15 minutes, or until everything gets little pretty black edges.  Move to the oven to keep warm.  
***
6. Now it’s poach-time.  The best (and easiest) way to poach eggs is with water and white vinegar.  Boil about 3 inches of water in a pot.  Add a blop or two of white vinegar.  Break the eggs and drop ‘em in.  The vinegar alters the density of the water, and keeps the eggs together, which is totally awesome and sciencey and stuff.  Yay!  Cook for 3 minutes.  Remove with a slotted spoon and roll on a paper towel to remove all water.
***
7. NOW PILE THOSE MUVS ON SOME BROILED ARTICHOKES AND EAT IT UP while listening to your boyfriend say stuff like “Horly Fruck.  Thvis is sho frucking awersorme. Let’sh make ourt.”
***
I feel like artichokes are the vegetable equivalent of that CDR in a paper sleeve you bought at that show you really enjoyed — fully intending to pop it in for a spin or two as soon as you got home — but instead, let it lay wrinkled and footprinted on the floor of your car until the sight of it annoyed you so much, you promised to either listen, or throw it out.  And when you finally listened, you remembered why you bought the record in the first place, and subsequently vowed to attend all of said band’s shows forever and ever until they win Grammys+.
***
+Results not typical.

Broiled Artichokes with Poached Eggs, Shoestring Onions and Crumbled Bacon. (Burnt Orange)

Cost per plate: appx. $2 when made with organic/freerange ingredients

***

While colliding with the countless aimlessly rolling red carts brimming with screaming children at Trader Joe’s last week, I did that thing where I saw something super tasty-looking, and was all “Ohmygad Artichokes!  I’m totally gonna eat these tonight tomorrow monday Yeahman!!”  And then they sat on my counter for four days — until this morning, when I shuffled into the kitchen to make some instant oatmeal, and saw that the pretty little spiny flowers had begun to wither. If I don’t eat these, like, nowish — I’ll be out $2.69.  Time for a Poach.

***

1. Artichokes are lovely when steamed, but lovelier when broiled or grilled.  To do this correctly, you have to steam them first.  If you don’t, they take forever to cook, and they taste like ass.  I sliced the stems and the very tips off of the ‘chokers, threw them in a steamer pot with about an inch of water, covered it, and let them cook on medium-low heat for about a half an hour, or until the leaves pulled off easily when tugged.

***

2. Once they were cooked, I pulled them out with potholders, cut them lengthwise with a super sharp knife, dug out the nasty thistly parts, and put them cut-side-up in a baking dish with a bunchload of olive oil, crushed garlic, and balsamic (it helps if you brush all surfaces of the artichokes with this mixture). 

***

3. The onions can be done in a pan, but I was lazy and hungry this morning, so I just sliced them super thin, separated the rings, coated them with the olive oil mixture, and tossed them over the artichokes. 

***

4. If your bacon is raw (pronounced roo-wah), cook it first.  If it’s pre-cooked, just cut it up and sprinkle it on top of the onions.  

***

5. THEN THROW THAT SHIZZ IN THE BROILER and let it begin its radness transformation. Broil for about 10 - 15 minutes, or until everything gets little pretty black edges.  Move to the oven to keep warm.  

***

6. Now it’s poach-time.  The best (and easiest) way to poach eggs is with water and white vinegar.  Boil about 3 inches of water in a pot.  Add a blop or two of white vinegar.  Break the eggs and drop ‘em in.  The vinegar alters the density of the water, and keeps the eggs together, which is totally awesome and sciencey and stuff.  Yay!  Cook for 3 minutes.  Remove with a slotted spoon and roll on a paper towel to remove all water.

***

7. NOW PILE THOSE MUVS ON SOME BROILED ARTICHOKES AND EAT IT UP while listening to your boyfriend say stuff like “Horly Fruck.  Thvis is sho frucking awersorme. Let’sh make ourt.”

***

I feel like artichokes are the vegetable equivalent of that CDR in a paper sleeve you bought at that show you really enjoyed — fully intending to pop it in for a spin or two as soon as you got home — but instead, let it lay wrinkled and footprinted on the floor of your car until the sight of it annoyed you so much, you promised to either listen, or throw it out.  And when you finally listened, you remembered why you bought the record in the first place, and subsequently vowed to attend all of said band’s shows forever and ever until they win Grammys+.

***

+Results not typical.

  • 12 November 2011
  • 9