The Food Boner

My own recipes, old, new, and remixed -- served with sarcasm and mild synesthesia.

Whiskey Chicken Soup with Shitake Mushrooms

(Purple)

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Cost per 2-cup bowl: appx. $1.15

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Stuff you need: roasted chicken carcass, carrots, celery, potatoes, shallots, garlic, peas, shitake mushrooms, some herbs or something, whiskey, balsamic vinegar, cayenne pepper & salt.

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No offense to people who throw away their roasted bird carcasses, but um, you’re lazy and dumb.  What you see as a frayed, greasy chicken skeleton glistening on a sloppy plate, I see as stock for myriad belly-warming soups.

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First, scour the bejeezus out of that carcass with your perfectly warshed fingers.  Remove every last bit of meat, and put that meat in a bowl.  Place every last bit of bone, skin, and pan dripping messiness from the carcass into a big ol’ pot full of water (3 quarts) and start it a-boilin.   Fridge the meat for later addition (once it’s at room temp, of course — unless you want, um, “stomach cramps” for, like, three days).

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Sloppily chop up 2 large shallots or 1 medium white onion (take the skin off, dummy), 3 stalks of celery, and 4 cloves of garlic and throw that in the boilin’ pot along with half a lemon.  When the water comes to a rolling boil, lower the flame and cover.

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SIMMER THAT MUVS FOR LIKE A MILLION YEARS or until the broth (pronounced broo-wath) tastes like broth and not weird flavored gross water.  This usually takes about 2-3 hours.  Of course, if you want to get super duper fancy, you can keep boiling it for up to ten hours, adding water every time the broth mixture reduces to 1/4.

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Once the broth is a pretty golden color and all the meat has boiled off of the bones, strain and discard the chunky stuff, keeping that lovely, lovely broth for your soup.

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Start your broth a-simmerin.’  Prettily slice up 1 large shallot, 4 carrots (peeled, dorkface), 3 large shitake mushrooms, and about 1 cup of teeny baby potatoes (pronounced pertaters!) and toss ‘em in.  Add the chicken meat, about 2/3 cup peas (frozen or fresh, never canned…ew!), and your choice of fresh or dried poultry herbs (parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme, muthafuckass!!!) and simmer until carrots and potatoes are tender (about 1/2 hour).

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Now add 3 cloves of crushed garlic, the juice from the other half of the lemon, about 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar and 1/4 cup whiskey to that biatch.  Stir it up good, and add salt & cayenne pepper to taste.  BAM!  You got some sweet-ass soup.

Broiled Artichokes with Poached Eggs, Shoestring Onions and Crumbled Bacon. (Burnt Orange)
Cost per plate: appx. $2 when made with organic/freerange ingredients
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While colliding with the countless aimlessly rolling red carts brimming with screaming children at Trader Joe’s last week, I did that thing where I saw something super tasty-looking, and was all “Ohmygad Artichokes!  I’m totally gonna eat these tonight tomorrow monday Yeahman!!”  And then they sat on my counter for four days — until this morning, when I shuffled into the kitchen to make some instant oatmeal, and saw that the pretty little spiny flowers had begun to wither. If I don’t eat these, like, nowish — I’ll be out $2.69.  Time for a Poach.
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1. Artichokes are lovely when steamed, but lovelier when broiled or grilled.  To do this correctly, you have to steam them first.  If you don’t, they take forever to cook, and they taste like ass.  I sliced the stems and the very tips off of the ‘chokers, threw them in a steamer pot with about an inch of water, covered it, and let them cook on medium-low heat for about a half an hour, or until the leaves pulled off easily when tugged.
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2. Once they were cooked, I pulled them out with potholders, cut them lengthwise with a super sharp knife, dug out the nasty thistly parts, and put them cut-side-up in a baking dish with a bunchload of olive oil, crushed garlic, and balsamic (it helps if you brush all surfaces of the artichokes with this mixture). 
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3. The onions can be done in a pan, but I was lazy and hungry this morning, so I just sliced them super thin, separated the rings, coated them with the olive oil mixture, and tossed them over the artichokes. 
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4. If your bacon is raw (pronounced roo-wah), cook it first.  If it’s pre-cooked, just cut it up and sprinkle it on top of the onions.  
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5. THEN THROW THAT SHIZZ IN THE BROILER and let it begin its radness transformation. Broil for about 10 - 15 minutes, or until everything gets little pretty black edges.  Move to the oven to keep warm.  
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6. Now it’s poach-time.  The best (and easiest) way to poach eggs is with water and white vinegar.  Boil about 3 inches of water in a pot.  Add a blop or two of white vinegar.  Break the eggs and drop ‘em in.  The vinegar alters the density of the water, and keeps the eggs together, which is totally awesome and sciencey and stuff.  Yay!  Cook for 3 minutes.  Remove with a slotted spoon and roll on a paper towel to remove all water.
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7. NOW PILE THOSE MUVS ON SOME BROILED ARTICHOKES AND EAT IT UP while listening to your boyfriend say stuff like “Horly Fruck.  Thvis is sho frucking awersorme. Let’sh make ourt.”
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I feel like artichokes are the vegetable equivalent of that CDR in a paper sleeve you bought at that show you really enjoyed — fully intending to pop it in for a spin or two as soon as you got home — but instead, let it lay wrinkled and footprinted on the floor of your car until the sight of it annoyed you so much, you promised to either listen, or throw it out.  And when you finally listened, you remembered why you bought the record in the first place, and subsequently vowed to attend all of said band’s shows forever and ever until they win Grammys+.
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+Results not typical.

Broiled Artichokes with Poached Eggs, Shoestring Onions and Crumbled Bacon. (Burnt Orange)

Cost per plate: appx. $2 when made with organic/freerange ingredients

***

While colliding with the countless aimlessly rolling red carts brimming with screaming children at Trader Joe’s last week, I did that thing where I saw something super tasty-looking, and was all “Ohmygad Artichokes!  I’m totally gonna eat these tonight tomorrow monday Yeahman!!”  And then they sat on my counter for four days — until this morning, when I shuffled into the kitchen to make some instant oatmeal, and saw that the pretty little spiny flowers had begun to wither. If I don’t eat these, like, nowish — I’ll be out $2.69.  Time for a Poach.

***

1. Artichokes are lovely when steamed, but lovelier when broiled or grilled.  To do this correctly, you have to steam them first.  If you don’t, they take forever to cook, and they taste like ass.  I sliced the stems and the very tips off of the ‘chokers, threw them in a steamer pot with about an inch of water, covered it, and let them cook on medium-low heat for about a half an hour, or until the leaves pulled off easily when tugged.

***

2. Once they were cooked, I pulled them out with potholders, cut them lengthwise with a super sharp knife, dug out the nasty thistly parts, and put them cut-side-up in a baking dish with a bunchload of olive oil, crushed garlic, and balsamic (it helps if you brush all surfaces of the artichokes with this mixture). 

***

3. The onions can be done in a pan, but I was lazy and hungry this morning, so I just sliced them super thin, separated the rings, coated them with the olive oil mixture, and tossed them over the artichokes. 

***

4. If your bacon is raw (pronounced roo-wah), cook it first.  If it’s pre-cooked, just cut it up and sprinkle it on top of the onions.  

***

5. THEN THROW THAT SHIZZ IN THE BROILER and let it begin its radness transformation. Broil for about 10 - 15 minutes, or until everything gets little pretty black edges.  Move to the oven to keep warm.  

***

6. Now it’s poach-time.  The best (and easiest) way to poach eggs is with water and white vinegar.  Boil about 3 inches of water in a pot.  Add a blop or two of white vinegar.  Break the eggs and drop ‘em in.  The vinegar alters the density of the water, and keeps the eggs together, which is totally awesome and sciencey and stuff.  Yay!  Cook for 3 minutes.  Remove with a slotted spoon and roll on a paper towel to remove all water.

***

7. NOW PILE THOSE MUVS ON SOME BROILED ARTICHOKES AND EAT IT UP while listening to your boyfriend say stuff like “Horly Fruck.  Thvis is sho frucking awersorme. Let’sh make ourt.”

***

I feel like artichokes are the vegetable equivalent of that CDR in a paper sleeve you bought at that show you really enjoyed — fully intending to pop it in for a spin or two as soon as you got home — but instead, let it lay wrinkled and footprinted on the floor of your car until the sight of it annoyed you so much, you promised to either listen, or throw it out.  And when you finally listened, you remembered why you bought the record in the first place, and subsequently vowed to attend all of said band’s shows forever and ever until they win Grammys+.

***

+Results not typical.